Far and Away

Ok, not really that far, since I am just here in Kuala Lumpur for a couple of days. But I am beginning to feel homesick, something which rarely happens to me.

The first sign of homesickness was that I missed the food. I missed the green mango and tomato salad served every dinner time at home. I missed using my hands and diving into the food without thinking that somebody might think I'm a barbarian. Not even the buffet I normally look forward to at night could alleviate me from these longings.

The second sign was me browsing through the whole of Philippine Star online. Normally I just browse the site for the daily horoscope. I was pretty shocked with myself when I began to click on the full story about the announcement of our President that we are experiencing fiscal crisis, as well as read other news and even the editorials!

The third sign, and probably the most shocking of all, was that I wasn't too amused going to the malls. Yes, I know, what's so shocking about that. Well, every time I go to Malaysia, I was always thrilled to go to the malls and window-shop for a couple of days before doing some serious buying. But this time, I was not really thrilled. And considering that this month was the Malaysian Mega Sale, this really is something. The only thing that actually caught my eye is the Zara cropped dark denim. Sadly, I wasn't even convinced to buy it. Instead, all I could think about was what stuff I could buy back home.

Lastly, I missed my family, would you believe. I missed my brothers and my sister. I know, I hardly stayed with them, but for some really strange reason, I missed them. Probably because I failed to watch the Ateneo-La Salle basketball match, and it would have been really a blast watching the game with my family.

What made more homesick was the text message I received from our helper that my juicy couture dress I bid (and won) at e-Bay already arrived. Ack! The gruesome thought of me not being there to try it on immediately!

Oh well. There are only two more days left before I finally plane my way back home.

Read More

And She Will be Loved (Part II)

Just when I told myself that I will be Enrique-less for the time being (in order to "become myself" and be independent emotionally), I received a satellite phone call from him. And boy, he really knows how to make this girl's day...

A little background... Last night I sent him a text message that I prayed to God that I will fully heal (from my past) so that I can love him with all my heart. He didn't reply to that text message of mine.

And he just called me to say that HE WILL WAIT for that time. That no matter how tiny my affection is towards him, he will fight for his love. Wow.

His thoughtful, sweet, caring ways are some of the things that make me fall in love with him. But I do not know what I did for him to have such strong feelings toward me.

Not that I am complaining. On the other hand, I feel so blessed by God.

Now I am speechless.

Read More

FIGHT MODE!

The past few days have been a roller coaster ride for me, and I realize that I have to do something about this. The ever-carefree Vanessa cannot possibly be so glum for 10 days in a row. So I wake up today and don this "Fight mode." No Enriques, no family issues, no ex-factors, no crying at night. Just pure unadulterated Vanessa. I know, I know. I sound a little self-centered and it seems as if the bratty side is in full-speed, but hey, I’ve been trampled on by people and situations and I can’t let them bruise my soul.

And so I have thought of some "resolutions" that will fuel my desire to "become myself" again.

Fight mode at work: Since I have been assigned by the President of our company to revise the corporate manual, my mantra now is "Think like El Presidente." I've been doing this for a couple of weeks now, but I feel like I haven't done much yet. And it is hard thinking like one! Lots of things to consider, nothing should be left out. Each policy I make or revise will affect the organization's management system. Tricky, tricky, tricky. But it's a challenge. I told that to the Prez himself, and he said, "that's why I chose you." Now that's a compliment that should keep me going!

Fashion Fight mode: This is trickier... So many "wants" to buy, so little cash to spend. Maybe I should give my closet a major overhaul and really throw or give away excess clothes. Emerald tops that turned into lichen-color should be booted out. Tattered heels should either be fixed or given away as well. Now for the spending part... Splurge I guess? Rarely do I shop big-time, so I should give myself a break. Hello Tyler!

Food Fight mode: So what if I love food? I will not deny myself the pleasures of eating. Of course, I will not step into the glutton-line. I used to think "save, save, save." But if I always that and feel sad about me not buying tuna sashimi, that is no good. Like what Wolfgang puck always says, "Live, Love, Eat!"

Fight mode for the soul: I haven't been paying that much attention to my prayers, and maybe this time I should commune with God again. I think I have skipped mass for 2 1/2 times already, and having a big conscience, I really feel guilty. I'll probably go to Church later and thank God for all the wonderful things He has blessed me with, and for keeping me alive. I don't want to go to that same situation when I was in despair. He didn't forsake me during that time. I do not know what plans He has in store for me, but I know that I will embrace these plans fully. Thy Will Be Done.


My Fight Mode is not about being aggressive. Rather, it is more like being more independent, as opposed to feeling that my happiness depends on Prince Charming. It is about building confidence, as opposed to thinking that I'm a big fat family-member failure. And certainly it is about enriching my soul, as opposed to falling into despair and indifference, or forming a habit of bi-atching around. Uhm, Ok. Maybe some snooty things are forgivable.

Read More

Girl Interrupted

I had the luxury of reading again my past entries, and I was pretty surprised on how erratic my mood swings were. It made me realize that the past week has been a roller-coaster for me, whether I have "blogged it" or not.

One minute I am so up there, the next minute I am down in the dumps. A confused mind and heart, these are what I have right now. Is this part of being in the mid-20’s? Is this an effect of gaining 3 pounds over the week (which is unusual for me, given that I am reed thin and hardly gain weight). Or is my depressed schizo-persona taking over after a summer of being out of the limelight?

Last Sunday, due to my not-so-pleasant week that passed, I had an impulse buy some shoes; good thing this impulse-buy was worth it. I also nearly succumbed to more impulse purchases at Tyler, thank goodness I had enough strength to resist. Enrique told me to go on and buy whatever I wanted and use first the money he sent me for the supposed platinum plan. Tempting, but I again resisted, thinking that it's not my money, although he called that sum "conjugal money." Ha ha.

It's now Wednesday morning, and I still feel drab.

My morning started with a wake-up call from Mr. Bailamos. That lifted my mood, enough for me to think of rewarding myself pudding with vanilla cream and French vanilla coffee for breakfast. But then this happy mood turned to blah-mood again, and I absolutely don’t know why.

Maybe I am just thinking a little too much. Maybe I just miss my love, and wish he's here with me. Or maybe it really is just the gloomy weather. But whatever the reason is, it's not funny anymore.

Sigh.

Drama, drama, drama.

Read More

The Ex-factor

There are days when I am way up high above Cloud 9, where I couldn't be anything but be in love. Those days are as rosy as the picture of the roses Enrique sent me (which is now my desktop wallpaper). And then there are days when I don't feel like being in love. This is one of those days.

It all started yesterday, after meeting up with a friend of mine to watch a movie and chit-chat for a couple of hours. I was left alone to wander at Powerplant Mall, and suddenly, streams of memories past began to trickle, no, gush forth, inside my head. I remembered my "Ex." I remembered the time when we were happily, romantically strolling in that place, him singing to me softly as he puts his arms around me or holds my hand. We were happy and in love. That reminiscing moment vanished as I received a text message from Enrique and we got to talk.

I thought that was the end of the ex-Factor, but no! Today I woke up, and "his face" was right in front of my face. I tried to shake him out, but he was still there, haunting me. To make things worse, my gushing stream of memories were back, this time more vivid than ever.

This is bad.



Guess it wasn't meant to be...


Why am I suddenly missing my Ex? Is this normal? Is this tantamount to cheating on my new man?

A few weeks ago, I went to Subic to visit a maritime school, where my Ex went. I felt uncomfortable that time since Subic is where my ex and I first met a year after we last saw each other. Those were truly lovely times. On my way back, Enrique sent me a text message that he hopes that as I leave Subic, I also leave my memories of my Ex behind and move on and fully open up to him. I guess he didn't hope enough.

And probably the Ex-Factor is really still a factor.

Read More

From P900 to P4get it!

To Heck with Globe!

Last night was probably the most irritating night of my life. After a week of thinking over whether to get the platinum plan of Globe Telecom, some serious thought on commitment stiff, and whether to get a P900 or a K700i, I finally decided to get on with it. Excitement turned to disappointment and anger when the frigging company declined my application! The customer service woman said that my salary was below their range and that my credit card limit was not enough as well. I was so irritated because for 1 week I have been calling up their platinum line just to make sure that I didn’t miss out any requirements, if I’m eligible or not, and if the plan is the correct one for my needs.

First of all, the salary range. The applicant must first earn at least Php 50+k a month. That’s bull. Because even if some people earn that much, they may have a lot of expenses such as car loans, house loans, family expenses, etc. They may end up with little spending power. As for me, even if my salary is not in that range, it is still considerably high, and all the income I earn goes to me, thus I have more spending power. To heck with that requirement.

Second, the credit card limit. Hello-o! My limit is just on the 30k range because I choose it to be in that range for disciplinary purposes!

Last of all, and the most irritating part was when that girl asked me if I was just running after the phone! The nerve of that person to ask me that! It’s a bit obvious that to get a free phone is an incentive to get the plan, but in the end, it’s the line that matters! I don’t care if I get a phone or not, what matters most is that I need the line!

I have been a loyal subscriber to Globe for more than 5 years. I was even the one who convinced my whole family (we are 6 all in all) to get Globe. Sure I had some past due moments but it’s more of me forgetting the due date. But hey, on the average I give them about 3k a month. My last bill was a whopping 7k. That’s why I resorted to getting the platinum plan so that I won’t get disappointed whenever I go out of the country and I see my roaming charges are not included in my plan.

What is the stupidest thing of all is they don’t advise the platinum applicant regarding the specific requirements. Their reasoning is that it is confidential. My reasoning is that I am not asking for their range matrix, but they should at least tell the person upfront the minimum requirements. Besides, I called the platinum service line, not the regular globe service line. It would have saved me from going there and falling in a long line. It also would've saved me from building excitement only to be turned down.

Immediately after, I went to Smart, and boy the customer service rep was very nice and pleasant to talk to. I inquired about their infinity plan, and upfront she told me the minimum range required. It’s so funny because in Globe I had to ask for it like a broken record before that girl gave the figure to me.

I understand Smart, because I am just a potential new subscriber. What I don’t understand is Globe. I am an existing subscriber applying for a new line simply because I want to keep my old line (to give to my sister or brother eventually).

Oh well. This time, I would choose the “smarter” move that is simply amazing rather than the “global” one that promises to make great things possible but never does.

So bye bye P900. In November, hello Smart. Hello P910i.

Read More

Commitophobia

Ever since I realized the wonderful effects of romance in one's life, I have been pining over my Prince Charming. Just like what Snow White kept on singing by the well, "Someday my Prince will come." Whenever I pray to God, I never wished for success and material things as much as I wished for somebody to be there to be with, for me to love, and to love me. For the past years I have been in and out of relationships (real and imaginary) because my weird-factor spooked the heck out of men. And throughout these years I have continually prayed for a man who will love me as I am. I mean, hey, there must be something good in me! And so I dated, fell in love, got my heart broken, stopped dating, met someone, fell in love, got my heart broken. The cycle just kept on and on and on.

Then came Enrique. Having undergone a really traumatic past relationship, I told myself that this guy will not be as lucky as the others, and it definitely will not be easy for him to "win me over," even though I seriously like him. I told myself that he's just like the others, who will try make me fall in love, then when the going gets tough, it's bye-bye time.

Yet this man shows nothing but concern, care, patience, and well, love. I know it's too soon to tell, but I could really sense that he really is sincere.

Then came the phone issue. I suggested to him to get the platinum plan so that it would be less costly for him to call me, not to mention that a free P900 will be given to me, hehehehe. He then told me, "Sure, get one, put it under your name since I cannot get one right now, and give me your bank account number and will remit to you money every month to pay for the bill." I suddenly felt uneasy. I tried to make an excuse to myself not to do it by thinking that hey, he might not pay me at all, or if ever things get sour, the payment stops (and the plan is a two-year contract). But then I realized that this is not what I'm scared of. I am not scared of being tied to the platinum plan. I am scared of the thought of being tied to him for two years. What made me think of that was the time when he joked me, "So, you'll be tied to me for 2 years, is that a probationary period before the real thing? (laughs) Well, we have something conjugal."

It sounded funny, it sounded cute, even cheesy. But as soon as I put the phone down, I felt more bothered. I know, I have always asked for someone who will trust me, accept me as I am, and love me. And now this guy comes along who does all three, and here I am all spooked. What is my problem???

Then I realized that I am probably afraid of real commitment. Here is a guy who is serious about me, and I am afraid to commit. My officemates tell me that I prefer bad boys who will not take me seriously. I couldn't help but wonder, is this true? Or is it simply this: I do not love Enrique enough, yet.

But whatever my issues are right now, I am quite certain that he is the Prince Charming that I have long been waiting for. I am just probably too paranoid that just like the others, he will leave me in the end. But I shouldn't worry that much. All I have to do is chill and enjoy what is happening right now. And as to the platinum plan? Hello P900!

Read More

The Lost Art of Mechado-making

Today was a blah day. I was sick yesterday and I had no choice but to rest the whole day today. Eat, lie down, watch TV, eat, rest in bed, sleep, watch TV. The only redeeming factor was that my ever thoughtful Enrique called me up to check on me.

And then came my depression attack. Over dinner, while just staring at the food I was about to eat, it just dawned on me that I do not cook at all. Sure, I had some lessons in high school, and this one-day training at Sylvia Reynoso-Gala cooking class, but I never put them into practice after. Back in high school, I used to cook the "best" steak ever tasted by my family, as well as really tasty and rich mechado. But as soon as I hit college, I hardly visited the dirty kitchen.

I don't know. I suddenly had this panic thinking, what if Enrique's mom will disapprove of me simply because I do not cook? And sure, he may be head over heels in love with me right now, but what if that mellows down, and practicality goes into his head, and then he suddenly realizes that I'm a no-good-wife-to-be??? Now I wish I was like my mother who knows how to cook really good food.

I know, I know. I probably am in the high range of the weird-o-meter. But I just couldn't help but wonder, if I lost the art of cooking, will I lose the man I love?

Yes, it probably is one of those depression attack days when I cry over nothing, or over something as flimsy and as shallow as having small feet (ergo very difficult buying really nice shoes). Maybe I'm just all so paranoid that I will "lose" another man that I love because of another "fault" of mine. I know that if he truly loves me, he will accept all of me, the good things and the flaws. But I just couldn't shake the feeling that I will disappoint him one way or the other, because of how I was brought up, pampered and all. I guess in some ways I have to change certain things about me, without changing who I really am.

But when it comes to cooking, as a starter, maybe I just need to rediscover my cooking skills. Or at least remember Vanessa's secret mechado recipe.

Read More

And She Will Be Loved...

Lately, life seems to be much brighter, rosier, and greener for this spinster (soon to be not!).

Love is finally blooming again, although I am still having a hard time adjusting to the style of Enrique, my man of the moment (and I certainly hope my man forever!). He is way too sweet, thoughtful, and dang dedicated. I have never met a guy who gives so much attention and patience, even if at times my evil bratty snooty side takes over. But I am so glad that he is now part of my life, even if he's away sailing in Europe (currently in Spain) and won't be back till February next year (Argh!). Although he is so far away, I never feel lonely as he calls me almost everyday and sends me a text message everyday as much as he can.

At times I feel scared because first of all, the attention is just too much. But then again, it is better than not feeling his care and concern. Second, at times I am scared because I don't know him that much yet, and since he's so far away, I just rely on the communication we have. I just don't want a repeat of what happened to me before. Third, there are moments when I doubt my feelings for him too, that I am not fully ready to be involved with someone.

Yet at the end of the day, he is the person I look forward to seeing and being with. My day always starts and ends "with" him. I cannot say that I love him truly, but certainly there is something there. I may still feel uneasy committing to him that's why it is still not "us", but deep inside I know that we should take our own sweet time, and eventually it will lead to it.



I surely melted when I received these!

Read More