Unfocused

Warning: this is depression talking.

Blame it on asthma, but I'm quite feeling down these past few days. Thoughts of discontent, failure, and hopelessness entered my mind during the weekend. I know it's not a healthy thing especially since weekends are supposed to be a time of joy, love, living, and relaxing.

First, discontent. I love my home. I try so hard to make it as home-y and as beautiful as possible, so that my husband will always cherish and long for our home whenever he's away. Also, I want that all my guests would feel at home when they're around. However, seeing beautiful homes like my Uncle's always makes me think why I do not have the home-n-garden wish I've always wanted. They say, go buy a lot. It's cheap here. I know it is, but I'm not sure if we'd have enough funds to buy the land plus build a house. Enter the feelings of hopelessness and failure. Hopelessness, because maybe that dream will just always be that, just a dream. Failure, because I failed to plan ahead and stop giving in to my wants in order to move towards that goal. I know I should not regret on decisions I took before, but sometimes, like now, I am tempted to regret.

Next, failure. A lot of things here. Failure at work? Maybe, because what happened was not what I expected or planned to be. I know, I know, the saying "God has plans for you while you make plans for yourself" or something like that. But, I couldn't help but wonder why things have to be this way, what did I actually learn from the changes to make me a better person or make me be better in what I do? I'm already at the stage of acceptance but when certain complications, no matter how small come along the way, it gets me back to square one, and then i feel trapped. There's so much to say about work but I'm just trying to be positive. I've heard one say before, those who don't see that positive are losers, but of course, I disagree with that (among other things that person said). It's just that it is a struggle, and I think I'm just being honest with myself when I say it is sometimes a challenge to see things positively especially if something negative happened. Does that make me a loser?

Failure at home? I'm still struggling to be better at being a home maker (even while working) and there too are times when I feel (or other people make me feel) that I am a failure on this aspect. I'm not good enough as a Mom, I'm just being lazy, etc etc. Sorry if how I was raised was different from how others were raised, but I don't think both views are not correct. They're just different, and I think both styles/views must be respected. Yet, even with this belief, there really are days when I feel like a total failure as a person. :( I know I'm not perfect, but I think in some ways I have a "somewhat" pure heart with a desire to do good and have compassion for others.

Last, hopelessness. I feel that there is so much that I can contribute but I'm not in the right setting. It makes me think if I would have been happier if I did push through in being a missionary and teach/preach. Maybe I'd have more happiness there? I don't know, but I feel a bit hopeless and uncertain that I will be truly happy. It's like I have this calling, but i don't know what to do and I feel trapped.

All these actually paralyze me and make me unable to move and breathe right. Maybe this whole depression thing is what triggers my asthma. It nows goes full circle. I blame it on asthma that I'm depressed and typing away, but my conclusion too is that my depression causes my asthma. *Sigh* Sometimes I just wish my asthma will just take me away. :(

It is true, what I sometimes say, that beneath this happy-go-lucky, always bubbly, artsy-emo person is a lonely soul. Maybe all my fashion-y beauty stuff are just temporary fixes to help me deal. *Sigh*

To whoever reads my blog, please do pray for my sanity. Thanks.