Second Baby Fears

Don't get me wring, I am very excited to be blessed with another baby, and I look forward to seeing my little one in 9 months' time. In fact, I think I might be too excited because right now I am thinking of printing postcards online to inform my relatives about the good news! :)

However, there are a couple of fears that are harboured in my mind right now. I don't know, maybe it's just the hormones and the mood swings, but let me just get everything out.

First, the pregnancy itself. It's been what, 5 years ago since I last got pregnant, and somehow everything is new. I'm not used to being sluggish, I'm not used to getting tired most of the time. My fear all the more grew when I learned that I am in a sensitive condition right now and prone to miscarriage. as I was crying in front of my doctor, she assured me that it's not about me. But why? Why the condition? I was advised to have complete bed rest for at least 2 weeks to make sure that I don't aggravate things. Yet, as I lay down the bed, lots of things go to my mind (hence this blog entry). What did I do? Was it the rebonding? Was it the non-stop nail polish usage? Was it the Jack Daniels that i drank the night before I learned that I was pregnant? Was the doctor just being polite, but in fact, all the things I did led to this condition? If I continue on babbling then I might go crazy and accuse myself of murder.

Yeah, drama queen at its highest form.

I do hope though that my baby will be fine, that my baby will be healthy and in very good condition.

Next fear, the fear of having 2 kids. It just dawned on me that we may not be as financially capable as I thought we are. Suddenly I am worried if we have the means to raise two kids. Thoughts like the condo being too small and I highly doubt we'd get a bigger place (unless we live in a further area). Where will the new kid stay? What if the baby was a boy, would it be ok to have a girl and a boy kid in one room? Education... will we earn enough to give them the best education? The selfish me asked... will I ever go to France, since the money for that is better off to be used for the kids?

Just typing these words scares that s**t out of me. I could feel my heart pounding and my abdomen aching. Which means, I should stop because worrying is not helping.

I guess I just have to face reality (again) and deal with the fact that I will have 2 kids now and all my selfish agendas need to be shelved.

I just pray that I will be given more strength, to hold on to my faith that life has meaning and that everything happens for a reason. That God has wonderful plans for our family.

i need to believe in that.